So we all like fortunes. Almost everyone wants to be told that the future’s going to be great or at-least that everything is going to be ok. When you drag yourself out of the bed at ungodly hours of the morning to go to school or work or to send your family off to school or work or you have an important day ahead, it’s sort of nice to sit down for a moment with a cup of tea or coffee and have someone tell you that you will be filled with energy, the day is going to go well, things will go your way, everyone will fall to the ground and grovel at your feet to allow them to kiss the ground you walk upon…..so on and so forth. Unfortunately, as has been said time and again, logically there are too many people in the world for one fortune to really completely apply to each and every member of approximately 1/12th of Earth’s population. Come on, it’s tough. You try fitting the fortunes of 6 billion people into a 3 x 5 inch rectangle with space still remaining for your photo and the daily birthday forecasts (see if you can figure out which paper I have in front of me right now). See what I mean? And then do it every single day.
It’s not easy and it shouldn’t really come as a surprise then that what you usually end up reading is something which at best leaves you going “Huh?” most mornings and at worst makes you want to go right back to bed. Most commonly they just don’t make sense or have the potential to cause major havoc in your life, like telling married people they will find the love of their life today or telling fifth standard students that they will get promoted at work.
Why can't horoscopes read more like this:
Aries: No, you're not going to meet the love of your life today. We predicted that last year and you know how that turned out. Yes, I know you had no way of knowing that her brother would turn out to be a taekwondo champion with fifty guys as backup, but the fact still remains that you couldn't sit properly for a month afterwards. So, take this advice and just pipe down for a bit. Your parents will find you a nice girl when they think the time is right but not if you make them blow all the money they have saved for your wedding in getting you right side up again.
Taurus: Your popularity on the social front is set to rise. A social event is likely to throw the spotlight on you. The freeloading cheapskates you call friends or colleagues will finally get you to give them the treat they've been badgering you for months. And you will suddenly be the most happening being in a five mile radius.
Gemini: If you are travelling by road, expect the journey to be comfortable. Expect your wife to take you by the scruff of the neck and make you ask for directions.
Cancer: Spending time with lover is indicated on the romantic front. Gentlemen, this does not mean getting various shades of drunk and telling all your guy friends just how much you love them and having them tell you how much they reciprocate the feeling. And ladies, this does not mean you get to pull off a superwoman act of returning home from work, cleaning the house till it shines and preparing the picture perfect meal for a "romantic" dinner which lasts twenty minutes, nineteen of which you are too tired to keep your eyes open for. No, you will not go to jail for a speck of dust on the TV.
Remember that thing you went to sometime back? There was you and a man or a woman and, depending on your religion, vows of some sort or the other? Yeah, that thing. And yeah, that person. Spend time with them. You don't need a horoscope to tell you that.
Leo: By opting to work out in a gym, rather than on your own, you will be able to remain healthy.* The gym membership will cost so much that you won't have money left for food and so you'll automatically shrink into a supermodel figure.
Virgo: You will take a great step at work which will have a lasting effect on your life. You will finally tell your boss exactly what you think of him and he will fire you.
*(I swear this sentence is actually truly straight out of a horoscope. I'm not making it up, it's really there.)
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