Can't find my keys, am riding like a lune because my vehicle's gone off-balance since an accident, had a three hour exam which by some sadistic twist of fate got drawn out into four and the International Convention of All Things Canine was in town last night to keep everyone up with their heated debates. Oh, and I miss blogging....obviously....-.-'

Wedding Pot

The Indian wedding season is the only one of its kind in the world. For one thing, pretty much everyone else can get married at any time of the year but we do it either in the height of summer or the depths of winter. Wedding preparations begin well in advance, all the relatives show up at your house, a billion or so ceremonies have to be completed, all of which are probably big contributing factors to the low divorce rate. People bored with their marriage and thinking of getting a divorce factor in all that they will have to go through if somehow they do choose to get married again and suddenly the old one starts to seem real good.

There are some characters you will always meet at a wedding and in a way, the whole experience would not be complete without them I guess. Some you love to have around, others you wish you had forgotten to invite. Yet others are champions for the cause of remaining celibate. But in the end if you can survive them all, chances are good that you can survive being married.

1. The Know-it-all, Do-it-all

If you pay enough attention, this type is not that hard to spot. Not limited to either gender, this type of person will usually be encountered:

a. At the doorstep as you enter

or

b. As the centre of attention, making more noise than the next ten people put together

A woman of this specie will usually be the one who latches herself onto the bride or groom like a leech and then just doesn't let go. Even if the poor hapless being tries to detach his/her self, she will follow in completele oblivion of the fact, adjusting their clothing for them, sending off people to get them food or water and telling everyone within earshot just how tired all this hassle has made the poor thing, as if getting married wasn't his/her own idea in the first place.

While usually sticking to their own flock, she may sometimes switch to the opposing party upon detecting a lack of a similar personality there, especially if she is originally from the groom's side or if she finds herself facing the TCC (Territorial Claim Crisis)*

The male of the specie differs from the female in the nature of territory. Unlike the female, he will usually not be found within a ten meter radius of the bride or groom. No, he will be the one who struts around "taking care" of the arrangements. Now, this activity is not to be confused with the preparatory taking care of arrangements. This signifies going from pillar to post asking everyone if everything is in order, inspecting and fiinding faults (often imaginary) with all the work that has been already been done, pulling people from their work in full panic to come look at the impending crisis and then nodding along self-importantly as the whole thing is explained to them just for the sake of keeping them from pulling more people out and wasting even more time, making a show of being convinced and then giving five pointless reasons why the other person is right and yes, it should be done this way, now I see it too. The activities of this creature acquire new zeal (and greater annoying potential) in the presence of a female he is trying to impress.

Either gender of this variety of personality will usually be found telling all who care to listen or are simply too incapacitated to run away, just how much work they have done since morning, how early they woke up, how tired they are, how much their joints hurt and the most important, how nothing ever gets without them and how everything will simply collapse into oblivion if they take a break. They may also show up either more dressed up than the bride or groom or less dressed than the waiters, the latter being to signify the austerity and dedication toward taking care of everything that they have, which leaves no time for anything else.

*TCC: The TCC takes place when two or more than two of the specie happen to be on the same side or when another of the specie from the opposite side may be trying to encroach upon the home territory. This situation is characterised by a marked presence of barely suppressed rage camouflaged by over-zealous laughter and careful nudging and elbowing.

2. The Critics

Generally found in an older age group, this specie is never satisfied with anything. Everything has a fault and nothing is right with the world, at-least for them. Ask them how they are and the reply will be that they are fine but could have been better if the (already plush cushioned) seats were just a tad bit softer or if the bride's makeup were a bit less garish. And yes, they will say that to your face. Try and satisfy them you can't so it's best to just leave them to their grumbling or find them a buddy to do the grumbling with.


3. Lights, Camera.... Action!!

Every wedding needs a photographer and a videographer. They're big, important events which you want to keep a record of. So you hire a video guy who shows up with enough equipment to fill a small bus, plus two assistants to boot. And not every ceremony is held in a huge hall. The result? Family members peek in from the doors and windows while the video man enjoys a place of pride right next to the bride or groom or both as the case might be. Often, it seems that the course of events is directed more by the videographer than the priest, who must attempt to quietly marry the happy couple off while still managing to stay out of the way of the camera, the lights and the wires.

4. My Best Friend's Wedding....and I'm next!

I call these the scouts. These are people who go to weddings with only one goal in mind-to "network." They'll flirt with every unmarried woman in sight and although never successful in these attempts, are a study in optimism. These can usually be found lurking near the food or drinks counters, hoping to make connections which never really materialize.

5. Did you hear...?

And finally, the gossip mongers. They don't care who is getting married, couldn't care less if they live a happy life or wallow in the pits of misery. All they care about is gossip. These people go to a wedding or any other gathering with a single point agenda of getting as much dirt on everyone as possible. From whose kids got into which colleges to how much dahej is being given by the bride's family, they not only know it all but also don't hesitate before making things up to compensate for any lack of knowledge.

Black and Blue

I recently found out something very interesting.

But first, a little intro. I'm one of those believers in looking sane and being comfortable in what you wear. I know it's crazy but our kind still believes that your clothes should suit you and be chosen to go with your particular body type and appearance rather than something a random self-styled fashion expert insists every girl just has to have but which ends up making you look like a constipated gorilla. In other words, I'm not really very hip. And one of the perks of being completely out of the hip and fashionable circuit is getting to feel good about your wardrobe on a regular basis instead of rushing out to shop every two hours to conform to the changing fashion scene. Also, it's a blessing for the wallet.

Anyway, the "interesting" thing was this: Black and blue are the new 'in' thing.....Now the first sane reaction to this would be: Really? In this heat? But apparently, everyone's wearing them. So that got me thinking. If that's really the case, then some rather unconventional people have found themselves as fashion icons. These are:

Fashionista No.1: Edward Scissorhands

If you've seen the film, Edward not only sported black clothing almost throughout the movie, he even had a hairdo to give any model a run for her money.

Makdee the Witch

Sonic the Hedgehog

Grim

Prince (It's Showtime!! Yeah!)

He's in and it's time to win. Oh yeah, black leather gear's the way to go baby. The heat's no match for Prince!!

The Nazgul from Lord of the Rings

Harry Potter's Dementors

Mogambo

Jet Black

Why? No, he doesn't wear black....or at-least not on a regular basis. But his last name's black!

And Finally!!! *Drumroll*

-

-

-

-

-

Who else but KKR?

Hip then.....

Hipper now.....

......No Comments

Question: What would make Philip Kotler do somersaults in his chair?

Answer: This:




.................and this:

The Rules of Hindi Soap Operas

1. No one can be happy. Ever!

2. Nothing can ever go as planned.

3. The most middle class of families can and will throw four-hour special episode worth of parties which make the Mittal daughter's wedding look like Sheetal aunty's Kitty Party.

4. Nothing of any value can ever transpire during a regular episode. All the story-moving events will only occur in one-hour weekend specials.

5. No matter what the case, anyone, anywhere and anyhow can come back from the dead. However, they will generally do so with a complete makeover and in some cases a full personality transplant.

6. All human beings are born with at-least three look-alikes all within a ten-kilometer radius.

7. All look-alikes are born well-versed in the art of taking on the characteristics, mannerisms and habits of the original individual in a matter of weeks with just one lonely villian for trainer to the extent that they can fool family members who've been with the person every single day of his/her life for decades.

8. An originally good look-alike substitute will turn evil and an originally evil replacement will in the end come to have a heart of gold.

9. Good people are stupid.

10. If your show doesn't feature at-least one discriminated against child, it's not going to work.

11. Indian audiences are morons.

12. All the social evils which people have worked so hard to eradicate from society must be exhumed, morphed into beyond bizzarre avatars with little to no semblance to reality and reinstated within society, all in the name of "bringing them to the fore" and "educating the masses" despite the fact that most of the Indian populace does not have cable subscription (and thank God for that!).

13. Men are all either one-dimensional morons tossed around like ping pong balls by the women in their lives, completely evil over-the-top villians, or honorary women.

14. There will be tears and they will be enough to fill bathtubs.

15. No matter how much effort the poor hapless parents put into getting their daughter married and regardless of how good, perfect and just awesomly awesome a husband they find for her, she will be back living with them in a matter of a few months, maybe even with the amazingly kewl Damaad (son-in-law) in tow.

16. There will be thappads (slaps) and they shall resound more than an elephant in a bathroom.

17. Villians can get away with anything.

18. No matter what the ailment or where, the dashing hero always needs to be spoon-fed by the demure and blushing heroine who must take care of him by staying up nights and falling asleep at his bedside. Soap opera nurses are there only as decorations.

"You will meet a tall, dark stranger...." (and he will turn out to be the courier boy)

So we all like fortunes. Almost everyone wants to be told that the future’s going to be great or at-least that everything is going to be ok. When you drag yourself out of the bed at ungodly hours of the morning to go to school or work or to send your family off to school or work or you have an important day ahead, it’s sort of nice to sit down for a moment with a cup of tea or coffee and have someone tell you that you will be filled with energy, the day is going to go well, things will go your way, everyone will fall to the ground and grovel at your feet to allow them to kiss the ground you walk upon…..so on and so forth. Unfortunately, as has been said time and again, logically there are too many people in the world for one fortune to really completely apply to each and every member of approximately 1/12th of Earth’s population. Come on, it’s tough. You try fitting the fortunes of 6 billion people into a 3 x 5 inch rectangle with space still remaining for your photo and the daily birthday forecasts (see if you can figure out which paper I have in front of me right now). See what I mean? And then do it every single day.

It’s not easy and it shouldn’t really come as a surprise then that what you usually end up reading is something which at best leaves you going “Huh?” most mornings and at worst makes you want to go right back to bed. Most commonly they just don’t make sense or have the potential to cause major havoc in your life, like telling married people they will find the love of their life today or telling fifth standard students that they will get promoted at work.

Why can't horoscopes read more like this:



Aries: No, you're not going to meet the love of your life today. We predicted that last year and you know how that turned out. Yes, I know you had no way of knowing that her brother would turn out to be a taekwondo champion with fifty guys as backup, but the fact still remains that you couldn't sit properly for a month afterwards. So, take this advice and just pipe down for a bit. Your parents will find you a nice girl when they think the time is right but not if you make them blow all the money they have saved for your wedding in getting you right side up again.



Taurus: Your popularity on the social front is set to rise. A social event is likely to throw the spotlight on you. The freeloading cheapskates you call friends or colleagues will finally get you to give them the treat they've been badgering you for months. And you will suddenly be the most happening being in a five mile radius.



Gemini: If you are travelling by road, expect the journey to be comfortable. Expect your wife to take you by the scruff of the neck and make you ask for directions.



Cancer: Spending time with lover is indicated on the romantic front. Gentlemen, this does not mean getting various shades of drunk and telling all your guy friends just how much you love them and having them tell you how much they reciprocate the feeling. And ladies, this does not mean you get to pull off a superwoman act of returning home from work, cleaning the house till it shines and preparing the picture perfect meal for a "romantic" dinner which lasts twenty minutes, nineteen of which you are too tired to keep your eyes open for. No, you will not go to jail for a speck of dust on the TV.

Remember that thing you went to sometime back? There was you and a man or a woman and, depending on your religion, vows of some sort or the other? Yeah, that thing. And yeah, that person. Spend time with them. You don't need a horoscope to tell you that.



Leo: By opting to work out in a gym, rather than on your own, you will be able to remain healthy.* The gym membership will cost so much that you won't have money left for food and so you'll automatically shrink into a supermodel figure.



Virgo: You will take a great step at work which will have a lasting effect on your life. You will finally tell your boss exactly what you think of him and he will fire you.






*(I swear this sentence is actually truly straight out of a horoscope. I'm not making it up, it's really there.)

How to Survive an Art Exhibition (Without looking like a dumb idiot)

Art is a complex thing. A very complex thing, so they say. It takes a true eye and an experienced mind to understand the intricacies of the artwork which lays bare an artist's soul to the world. Or so they say.

Now, I am a conflicted person when it comes to art. Coflicted because I'm not sure I really get it. I mean fine, when it's something like a Raja Ravi Varma or the Khajuraho and Ajanta caves or something from the Renaissance, sure I can see the exquisite beauty of it, the finesse and amazing precision of each brush or chisel stroke and appreciate how much effort and skill must have gone behind the production of such a fine piece. But dangle something like this

in front of me and I'm lost like an Inuit in Turkey holding driving instructions written in Japanese.

Unfortunately, in today's world of "contemporary" chic, you're not cool or even eligible for commenting on artwork unless you can come up with at-least five different perspectives on the sublimity and depth of something that looks like the aftermath of a chimpanzee's meal.

At any rate, to make a long story short-most modern art makes no sense to me and hence art exhibitions by default don't either. I am sure it's all wonderful and I just don't have enough depth to comprehend it is all. And if you happen to be like me, then read on:

How to Survive an Art Exhibition

Step 1: Dress to Shock

No, this does not mean you can leave modesty at the door. This simply means that if you don't want to stick out like a sore thumb-don't show up in jeans and a T-shirt. Unless of course, the T-shirt makes a statement. Anything to do with the world's thousand on-going crises is fine or anything which no one in the room will be able to understand. Japanese is in, by the way.

If you're not the casual type and can't really pull off the mysterious-suave-demure thing, or your friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife insists on taking you along but you have no clue what to wear, the second best option is something I like to call Dressing like an Artwork. Remember that neon top you bought at that sale and woke up the next morning asking yourself why? Or that jewelery your friends claim can solve the weapons crises of several small nations? Or the hat that your mom wanted to borrow to use as a lampshade? Well, this is where they all come in. Mix and match, baby. You'll fit right in, at-least with the radicals who claim no one gets them. They won't get you, so you're automatically cool.

Step 2: Attitude

Now, this depends on the clothes. If you're doing the jeans and Tshirt thing, regardless of gender, act like you don't give a damn in the world. That's why you're dressed like that at a formal do. Because you don't care what the superficial mortals around think of you. You're concerned with much larger issues like how you're going to sneak your scooter out before anyone in the group of snobs you're hanging out with sees it. Unless of course you can pull the apathetic thing to that extent, in which case they might mistake you for the artist.

The demure thing is the demure thing and suave I leave upto your best judgement. However, if you've followed my advice and dressed like an artwork, it gets tricky. You can do the treat-everyone-like-crap, I-hate-the-world, no-one-gets-me, but then you run the risk of going home alone and in case you're married, getting a divorce notice the next morning. So, here's the deal. Be nice. Smile a lot and DON'T TALK. Act preoccupied and when you see an artwork, like you're seeing things in it no one else can see. Try a small knowing smile to go with the whole. When someone asks you for your opinion or what you think the artist had in mind, give them that little smile, glance back at the painting with a small sigh, give your head a little shake and then give a small, very small explanation, acting all the time as if the artist himself showed up at your house just last night to explain every little detail(use Step 4 for this). Oh, and try to avoid staying at one place for too long to prevent encounters of the afore-mentioned kind as much as possible.

Step 3: Know Thy Artist

So you've got the clothes and you have the attitude. Now, artist. At the very least, find out his/her name. Now if you are going with someone you need to impress like your boss or a group of friends from office, google the name and read at-least three different pages, no more, no less. Find out basic style, family background, key low-points of his/her life, failures and you're set.

Boss: "Jitender, what do you think of that little bit there?"

You: "Well, sir. You see, the artist's dog got the flu when he was ten. I think this reflects the pain he must have felt seeing the poor thing sniffle its way around."

Boss: "Very sublime indeed. And that little bit there?"

You: "That's from when his cat ran away, sir."

Boss: "Amazing! You're promoted!"

Now, if you don't have any pressing needs to be cool and impressive and are just accompanying a friend or wandered in because there was still an hour's time to kill before that Govinda flick, read the name on the board and remember it. If someone asks you about the artist, here's your reply: "I am a naturalist. I think knowing about a person creates perceptions which can damage the flow of the natural essence of the work itself. I don't like interference with that flow, to contaminate it would be criminal. Artists are just the means, they don't matter. It's the work, which is right in front of you, then why bother about the vessel?" Say it like you mean it.

Step 4: Know thy Lingo

Essence, metamorphosis etc. etc. Learn them and use them. That's what the net's for. And then use your brain. Make up stuff, make it sound exotic. Also, talk to intelligent-looking people and try and get their take on it. Then, as soon as their back is turned, memorize it. Mix this with a bit of imaginative use of words and a little will take you a long way. Art is done by humans for humans and it's very likely that the people with you are equally, if not more lost than you are.

And finally, if you follow all this and don't get chased out with sticks and have your poster hung on gallery walls to warn against allowing you in, do let me know.

Diclaimer: This post is intended in a humorous tone. It does not aim to hurt anyone's sentiments or beliefs.